Fear of confrontation is a huge trap for so many of us. I have seen this one totally destroy relationships. Your happiness with others is directly proportionate to your ability to confront when needed. Confrontation must happen to get what you want. Instead of looking at it as a scary negative thing, let’s take the mystery out of it and make it a not scary, positive thing. Lack of confrontation leads to gossip and all sorts of damage. If you need to deal with someone that is causing you stress, you have got to do it. It can be a huge barrier to happiness.
For the love of God, please tackle this pillar of self-growth. Not confronting someone leads directly to unhappiness. We must be willing, as humans, to experience anything. There is a huge growth opportunity for you in confronting your lack of confrontation with others. Lovingly confront others if you need to. Tell them what your experience was with them and how you feel about it. Never question their intention and ask where they were coming from. The moment we confront something, it is over. All the pain and agony we carry around from not confronting someone on a disagreement or challenge is literally gone the moment we confront them.
Remember, you tell people how you allow yourself to be treated. For example, there are some people you know you could be late to the appointment for and others you know you better never be late for, correct? Your ability to confront lets people know that you respect them and expect them to respect you. It lets them know you value them and expect them to value you. If you are constantly needing to confront someone then they either don’t know what your rules are because you haven’t told them, or you are just not that important to them. Good friends can make you happy. The slight moment of being uncomfortable is well worth the long lasting gain of their relationship.
If you are feeling a negative charge toward someone, and you care about them, don’t they deserve to know about it? Confrontation is about loving someone enough to get on the same page with them. Non-confrontation leads to destruction. Consider not confronting someone an early death of the relationship. If someone has done something that caused a negative charge in you, consider it the seed of a nasty weed that, if not pulled out, will grow into sarcasm, negativity, criticalness, and gossip about the other person. If you have fallen into this trap, the only people that put up with others that are regularly sarcastic, negative, critical and like to gossip, do it themselves regularly! So now you have created a life of relationships that attract this mode of thought only because you are not pulling out the weeds when it is time to confront.
These types of people that are stuck in this negative pattern do not get what they want and are not happy. Help them by being the example of someone who cares enough about themselves and others to confront, lovingly. Not confronting not only destroys the relationship with the person you are not confronting, but destroys your future by the type of person it makes you and by the type of people it attracts. This is hardcore, but true, folks. I care enough about you to tell you the truth. The most successful people in the world know how to confront. They see lack of confrontation as the deadly trap that it is.
Step up and know that you need to care enough about those closest to you to be able to tell them how you feel. Being passive aggressive always leads to drama and usually leads to explosion. The following is a formula to lovingly confront anyone in your life. It has been instrumental for me. When you get a negative charge, recognize it and don’t let it get to your emotional state. Deal with it head-on without emotion and never question their intent. Remember, what you don’t confront, controls you. Some things are no big deal and you need to be the one to decide when you want to confront or not. My trigger is when I begin to get a negative charge around them or the same thing is happening consistently. That is when I know that if I value them, I owe it to both of us to bring it up.
Follow the following script formula and watch the angst dissolve and the friendship strengthen.
1. Let them know you value them.
2. Bring up what your experience was with them and how you felt about it.
3. Find out where they were coming from.
4. Get back into a mutual agreement, moving forward.
Example: “Hey, Sally, I think you are a great friend and I value the time we spend together. Something happened the other day that I wanted to touch base with you about. The other day when you cut me off during conversation and never called me back made me feel a little upset and disrespected. I value our friendship and I would never question your intention. I just wanted to see where you were coming from. Okay, I figured so. No worries. When that happened, it really threw me off my game. So anyway, moving forward, can we agree to not cut each other off and if we do make sure we both call each other afterwards? Great, let’s go to the beach now.”
Example: “Hey, Joe. You know how great of friends we are, right? Okay, yesterday, when you cancelled on me last minute again, it made me a little upset. I know it was not intentional; however, where were you coming from? Okay, that’s what I thought. Moving forward, can we agree to not cancel on each other last minute? Great, let’s go have a beer.”